Grief

Caution: This may be hard to read. It certainly is hard to write. But I want people to know what is really happening.

My boy is greiving. Hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done to watch him. When he's having one of these times, he totally rejects me, hitting and kicking. He only wants Baba. I think Baba has some pain in his back and arms from this. But let me tell you, being the one rejected is a different kind of pain. My heart is breaking for this little man who is so profoundly sad.

It's worst at night. He just won't/can't go to sleep. We tried walking, strolling, playing, watching Elmo. He just can't calm down to sleep. He finally cried himself out around 2:00 am. Everyone says this, too, shall pass. If so, I can't wait.

Bits and Pieces

Motherhood is seriously cramping my blogging style. This post may be a little meandering, but I’m trying to capture the things we’ve left off the blog due to just being too busy.

On meeting Micah for the first time: He was brought into the room before we had completed signing our paperwork. Someone called “Wei Jian Tong,” and entered carrying the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen. I went to him and the nanny said “Mama?” I said, “yes, mama.” And he was put into my arms. He looked really confused. Crick said to be sure to remember how I felt at that moment. What I really felt was relieved. He didn’t shriek, he didn’t cry. I was concerned that he would be scared of us and it would be so hard, but it wasn’t. So the honest answer is “relief.”

Then our guide, Wendy, told me I had to sign the paperwork. Ah, I don’t want to let go of my baby. But Bruce stood up to take him from me. Tong Tong took one look at Bruce and said, “Baba!” He thrust out his arms for Bruce to take him from me. The look on Bruce’s face was almost as beautiful as our boy.

I sat down to sign all of the forms. I had to sign my name eight times. I think each signature looked different as my hand shook and my mind ran to the little boy three feet away from me. Finally that was done and I was able to turn my attention to him. The nanny spoke to him in Mandarin, pointing to me and Bruce and saying “mama, baba.” Tong Tong joined right in pointing to each of us and calling us mama and baba. Whoa! That was cool.

Bruce handed him to me and he came willingly. Someone handed me a bag. In it was a half-eaten muffin, an open bag of something that looked like cheese puffs, along with the camera and the photo album that we sent in our care package. I pulled it out and he cried, “mama, baba.” As we paged through the photo album, he pointed and called each person by name. Our heartfelt thanks must go to the foster mother who prepared him so well for this moment. I have to say that besides mama and baba, his favorite pictures were of nai nai and ye ye (Grandma and Grandpa Klika) and of his uncle Kurt, who he seems to call “lu lu.” I can’t remember if that’s the word for uncle or if Kurt just looks like a LuLu. LOL!

Then Wendy reminded me that we had toys to play with. First we tried the toy cell phone. Not so interested. We got out Leap – who sings the alphabet song. Oh my. His whole face lit up. He learned that he could make Leap sing the alphabet song by pressing his tummy. So he pressed. Over and over. I guess I’ll know my ABC’s too. Heehee.

I looked in the bag further and found the toy phone we sent. Similar to the one I brought, but striped like a candy cane. Hey, I bought it at Christmas time, what do you expect? That was a hit.

Day 6 - Tianjin: Forever Family Day!!!!

I know, you've all been waiting.....

We have Micah. We’re Mama and Baba. No going back. Wow.

We got up early for breakfast today. There was a nice combination of bacon, pastries and congee. The hotel we are staying in is really nice and the hotel staff are extremely courteous, but very little English is spoken here and most requests need to go through one person that has to be summoned to help out. We all met at 0900 to go to the orphanage.

We had a very smooth transition at the orphanage - not one tear was shed by any of the babies. Our guide, Wendy, said that she has seen only about 10% go this smoothly. We had a great afternoon, including a nap and play time. We are now making up for that by having a really tough time getting to sleep. This is becoming a tough time for Micah to settle down. All of our attempts at making bed time a reality have failed so far, and we are very tired. We'll post more later, but for now need to concentrate on getting Micah to sleep. Any suggestions?

Here are a couple more pictures to hold you over!

Day 5: The Road to Tianjin

This morning we checked out of our beautiful Beijing hotel room, said good-bye to our newly made friends and set off for Tianjin. The road to Tianjin was paved with good intentions and potholes as we drove instead of flying since the city was only 2 hours away from Beijing . Our guide Wendy is bright, energetic and compassionate and taught us all a Chinese children’s song during our bus ride.

We arrived at the Harbour Center Hotel and were impressed by the size of the rooms. It’s a very nice room, but there is a lot of construction going on all around the hotel area, so it’s kind of busy and loud outside. We arrived mid-afternoon and learned that in Tianjin, it is difficult to find a restaurant open between lunch and dinner. But a 10 minute taxi ride took us to KFC. (I promise, we’re not trying to eat Western food, but we didn’t have much choice.)

After unpacking, we took a walk through a local neighborhood. We stopped into an establishment that looked to be a restaurant. Speaking almost no Chinese to a staff that spoke no English, we managed to order, enjoy and pay for two beers. We might have had dinner there, but without some translation, Karen was afraid she might accidentally order fish! (Sorry, Michael, we left the Franlkin translator in the room). We later had dinner in the hotel restaurant while preparing a list of questions to ask Micah’s caregivers.

We collected all our necessary paperwork and gifts and prepared to meet Micah tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning! We just sat back and let it sink in that tomorrow morning we will be parents. It’s humbling and a bit overwhelming, but also exciting and awesome. We are ready to get our son and begin the process of being parents. It’s important to get a good night’s sleep tonight, so this will be short tonight.

Day 4 - Beijing: Great Wall, Ming Tombs and Peking Duck

What an awesome amazing day! Wow!

After stopping by a jade factory, we made our way out of central Beijing and into the mountains to visit the Great Wall. Before we even got there, we could see the Wall in the distance, snaking its way around the mountains. Standing at the base of the Wall, it seemed like a very long way to the top, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so off we went.

I’ve seen pictures of the Great Wall on TV, in books and in pictures taken by others, but seeing it in person is a whole different experience. I don’t think I had an appreciation for the sheer steepness of the wall. It truly is a climb! Some individual steps were over a foot high!

Bruce made it nearly to the top. I decided to save my knees and stop, but only after reaching the stand that issues “hero cards,” a credit card-type thing with your picture in front of the Wall, the date and the words, “I climbed the Great Wall.”

Lunch was served at an eatery attached to a cloisonné factory. It appeared to be a place that caters to hungry tour groups who have just climbed the wall.

We then walked through the Sacred Way in the Ming Tombs. The statuary was very interesting and again I was struck with the surreal feeling of stepping into a photo I’ve only seen in a book.

Our trip back to the hotel wound through the suburbs of Beijing, including a drive by the Olympic Stadium. It will be neat to recognize the places we’ve seen when the Olympics begin in August.

For dinner a group of us struck out on our own in search of Peking duck, the local specialty of Beijing. About halfway down Walking Street, we found a restaurant that specialized in Peking duck. Another amazing experience.

We move on to Tianjin tomorrow, but we will take with us the friendships we have built with the other families heading to other provinces. It has been so neat to meet the friends I’ve only “met” online. We can’t wait to meet up with them in Guangzhou and to see them with their new children. Many thanks to CCAI and our guide Lisa for providing an outstanding experience in Beijing.

Day 3 - Beijing: Tiananmen Square and Hutong Tour

We started our day with breakfast at the hotel buffet - yummy! We boarded the bus with our group and headed off to Tienanmen Square. It was so amazing to be in the place we've only seen in pictures. So of course, we took a hundred or so pictures of our own! We walked and walked from Tienanmen Square and through the Forbidden City. Then we were whisked off to lunch - Chinese food served family style. We tried everything (well, Karen avoided the fish).

After lunch we toured a silk factory and learned how silk was made. Then onto a rickshaw for the Hutong tour. It was fascinating to hear how real people live in Beijing. Our tour included a visit with a family who lived in a courtyard house. She explained how they love their home, which has been in the family for three generations. But her children have moved to the high rise apartments nearby in Beijing. I guess much of the younger generation doesn't care to live in the Hutongs, one of the reasons being there are no private toilets in the houses. All families share a public toilet and shower located nearby. I can see why this would make me move away from home!

Our final stop was to the Acrobat show. It was visually beautiful. Though it was warm and dark and many of us were fighting the jet lag to stay awake for the show. We finished our evening with trip to the Walking Street where we had dinner at McDonalds - LOL! I promise not to do that too often.

Day 1 & 2 - One long day: We made it!

Just a quick post before dinner to let you all know that we've arrived safe and sound in Beijing! It took just over 27 hours, a car ride, three flights and a bus ride to get here. It seemed like one long day. Flying west over Alaska, the sun never set during our 12.5 hour flight. We managed to catch a couple of hours of sleep a couple of different times and arrived just exhausted. Luckily that meant we were able to sleep soundly when we went to bed at what would have been 11:00 in the morning.

Today we toured Tianamen Square and the Forbidden City. We had an authentic (?) Chinese lunch and visited a silk factory. We then took the Hutong tour, including rickshaw rides and a visit in a resident's home. We capped off the day by watching the Acrobat Show. Now we're off to find Mickey D's for a taste of home. We'll post more later.