Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Grief

Caution: This may be hard to read. It certainly is hard to write. But I want people to know what is really happening.

My boy is greiving. Hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done to watch him. When he's having one of these times, he totally rejects me, hitting and kicking. He only wants Baba. I think Baba has some pain in his back and arms from this. But let me tell you, being the one rejected is a different kind of pain. My heart is breaking for this little man who is so profoundly sad.

It's worst at night. He just won't/can't go to sleep. We tried walking, strolling, playing, watching Elmo. He just can't calm down to sleep. He finally cried himself out around 2:00 am. Everyone says this, too, shall pass. If so, I can't wait.

23 comments:

amy said...

All of you are in my prayers tonight

The Straight's said...

Hang in there MOM! Yes he is grieving but that is what he is supposed to be doing. He is realizing early on that his whole life has changed. He needs to grieve and yes it is the hardest thing ever to watch his hurt. Each day will get better and better and by the time you get to Guangzhou he will be a different kid. This is what he is supposed to be doing so that he can move on and he will eventually come to know you both and love his mommy and daddy.

Lovell & Jonathan said...

The Whites are praying for all three of you! Keep writing the hard stuff then we really know your needs. Love to all 3 Ladmans. Lovell & Jonathan

Anonymous said...

The grieving is hard. There are so many mixed emotions. Stay strong for your beautiful boy and many congratulations.
Lissa from Loving Lydia

Cristy said...

We will keep you in our prayers, but as others said, this is normal and he will come around and adore you every bit as much as you adore him. Take it slow and try not to take it personally. Usually by day 3 you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel and by the time you head home, he will be a totally different child!

Cristy
Met you at FF dinner at Fuddruckers
Proud Mommy to Aria and Gianna from China

Jay, Angela & Laney said...

We know that these first days must be so difficult to go through. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Dan and Sharon Curry said...

We've all heard over and over what we should expect when it comes to grieving, but it's nothing like when you actually experience it. It's sooooo heartbreaking, but as you said..This too shall pass. Keep your chin up and remember that you, your husband and little Micah are all in our prayers!

toni said...

sending you all love and prayers. my heart breaks for you and your little man. hang in there mama, i bet you will be getting lots and lots of hugs and kisses very soon.

Julie said...

Poor little guy! He must be heartbroken to lose his foster parents. The strong grief is an indication that he has known love and what it means to be in a family and that is priceless. In the long run, it will be so much better for you all that he has had that experience. In the meantime, I know you are in for some long days and nights and I pray for all of your peace. I know how hard it is to be rejected by the baby you want more than anything to love, but I encourage you that the day will come when you know with a certainty that Micah loves you completely.

I'm so happy that you are finally together!

Mark, Rebecca and Sophia said...

I know that your hearts are just breaking to see him grieve. Keep hanging on, and I trust that each day will get better. We'll contie to pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! I know it's difficult. It must feel so personal for him to choose baba. Just remember that this is a normal process. Time and patience will heal his grief. I'm thinking and praying for all of you. Stay strong!

Shannon (revrob)

Stephanie said...

Your post brought back so many memories.
Do you remember following along with our blog while we were in China to get Bre? How she wanted NOTHING to do with me but only her daddy.
It was tough to come in second place (heck I was third place cause she choose Marcus above me too). She did come around though. It didn't happen overnight and it was a slow and painful process for all involved-but it did happen.
It will happen for you too. Don't push him, give him space and I swear it will get better.
Hugs and prayers being sent your way.

Steph said...

Karen! I'm sending you huge hugs right now. It is hard. Ian only had a few rough nights like Micah, but I'll tell you I felt so incredibly alone...and suddenly not sure if I was the right person for this job... had I done the right thing? Yes, it's hard. Quite possibly the hardest thing you'll have to overcome in his transition. We probably don't talk about it enough on our boards and blogs, but Sharon's right. It's not something you can really describe with any clarity.

He will get through this...you'll be so amazed at how brave and strong he is.

Hang in there. You're always such a rock for others...let us be that for you right now!

Enjoy Micah and know that every day will get a little better!

You're in our thoughts and prayers!

Jahnee' said...

The wanting one parent will change weekly, daily or hourly. It's not personal it's a kid thing. Next week Micah will want mama and have nothing to do with papa. Then the next day, week, hour, back to papa.
Have Bruce use his military experience and take Micah on a hike to wear out all the little boy energy. You can go shopping for Micah stuff.

The Evans Family said...

Our prayers are with all of you. There is something good about Micah's grieving; this means that he can bond and did bond with those that took care of him. It is hard watching the tears, the hurt and not be able to make it better. Our Gracie grieved and grieved. With each day it gets better and once you get to Guangzhou you will see a huge difference. Mom, just be there for Micah and he will soon know that you are his FOREVER Mommy and that it is OK to love you. I went through the rejection with Analiese (believe it!) and when she decided that loving me wasn't going to hurt her she handed her heart over.

Jen & Bill said...

Karen,

I will be thinking about you, Bruce and Micah. I'm told this is normal. It is a good sign.


Ricky didn't really grieve - he was only in foster care for 5 months. He does have night terrors that started in China and continue at home. In China, he definitely wanted his Baba. Would only go to me when necessary or when I would toss him in the air - he saw me as the play toy. That has changed since I have been home with him.

Please keep posting. This is good knowledge for everyone waiting. It isn't all roses unfortunately - this is the toughest thing I have ever had to do.

Mark & Sheryl said...

Karen, I agree with what everyone else said, this is normal and it will pass. Hang in there, we are here for you.

Anonymous said...

Karen, I'm so proud of you for recognizing this for what it is. I'm so thrilled for you to finally be there for your son.
Best always,
Christina

Eric & Heather said...

Donna's right~as hard as it is right now it's better that he's grieving. He's been shown affection, attention, and had his physical & emotional needs met..his grieving was bound to happen. In the beginning they can shut down a little and seem a bit emotionless.

Our hearts go out to you--stay strong...GOD gave you this task--he knows you can handle it--and HE doesn't make mistakes! You are in our prayers!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Karen!!! I don't have advice, but lots of hugs. Thanks so much for sharing, all of us waiting learn so much. i'm happy for your new family. I know it will all work out,
Tina

Deanna said...

Your family will be in my thoughts today. Stay strong and keep giving him love. When he turns to you and gives it back it will be a wonderful moment.

Tracy said...

I am so sorry about his grieving - I am sure it is hard to watch. Poor little guy. And I am sorry that he is rejecting you right now. Charlotte rejected my DH for the first 4 days (luckily Goldfish Crackers worked to lure her to him and he eventually won her over). He took it well, but I know I would have taken it much harder. It was also hard to be the only one she wanted - I was absolutely exhausted. Happy, but so tired.

Hugs to you.

Tracy

Laura said...

I am praying for you....